Sometimes, I do.
Typically, it happens when I'm in the bathroom.
Ever stare into the mirror for so long that you forget who you are? Then, in the shower my mind races to the place, where I hope that I don't slip and fall and hit my head, because I live alone and nobody will ever find me - for days. In bed at night, just before my eyes close and I'm staring at the ceiling, my mind un-jumbles the days events, to make sense of my life. Finally, before the eventual slumber into the kingdom of my dreams, I have to check and double-check my phone alarm clock, to make sure that I will be woken up in the morning.
Hell, sometimes it's like Mr. Carlin himself is channeling me, from the great beyond. So, if I offend you, I do not apologize. Instead, I simply say -- It's Just the Nature of Things.
Sometimes, I can't stand people. And not just any people - dumb people. And not just dumb people, dumb, loud people.
You know, those men and women who talk loudly on their cell phones on the subway, on the street, on the train - rude humans who talk too loudly, in general.
I want to say, "Keep the volume down buddy, or get your hearing checked. Dial-down your volume, and save yourself the embarrassment of my foot meeting your derriere."
And on that note, what about those 20- & 30-something women who 'talk in tongues' reminiscent of the 1980's Valley Girl?
Ladies, get a clue. Stop mindlessly repeating the words, "like," "as if" and "ya know." There's also my 'favorite' acronym, "YOLO!" (You Only Live Once). It's all the rage these days, even appearing on hats sold by vendors on the streets of New York City. Doesn't make it okay. Please don't ever say this, it's quite possibly the douchiest expression in the English language.
Then, there are the so-called, 'close talkers.'
Like, ya know, the ones that are disrespecting my personal space. My fear of the close-talking ones is their spit, their germs. Most of the time, I'm thinking, I wonder if he brushed his teeth this morning. (Yes, I am judging you). Oops, no, he didn't I still see a poppy seed stuck in his front tooth. Then the question, should I say something to dragon, morning-breathed 'close talker?' Nah. But I do wonder if he'd mind it, if I suggest a good dentist? (He needs one)!
What about people who stare?
Please don't stare at me on the subway, do not stare then avert your gaze, only to move your eyes back into the comfortable resting, "staring" position, of staring at me. It's just creepy, stalker dude. Even if you're just one of those people 'zoning out,' and I am the fixed point you've arbitrarily picked across from you. It doesn't make it any less weird. Note: this is different kind of 'look' from your 'resting b**** face. '
Which brings me back to Mr. George Carlin, the genius comedian. He had a saying, "Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
That's right, Mr. Smelly man, ever heard of deodorant? It's a social mystery why you even left the house sans that 'clean & fresh' aroma. Yes, you reek. And not just any smell, the streets of New York City on a hot 90-degree summer day - that kind of stench. Just remember, deodorant is your friend, and while you're at it, get the combination antiperspirant d-o for your b-o. I think you may have been the last one in my cab -- because boy, did it stink.
In conclusion, I rant as Carlin did, "If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
Ah, humanity. So full of dumb, loud, close talking, staring, Valley Girls who smell.
We are soo in trouble.